I have a wedding to go to tonight where I won’t know anyone. I’m 75% sure it’s going to be kinda trashy too. That can be fun, but talking to trash people that I don’t know has been a weakness of mine. One time in college, my buddy David and I crashed a wedding and turns out it was a trashy wedding. We figured we’d wear suits and all the business, but when we got there we noticed everyone, and I mean literally everyone (bride and groom included) were wearing a significant amount of denim. We had to change our story from Todd Roseland and Adam Zelinski, the out-of-town cousins, to Todd Roseland and Adam Zelinski, the two quality control consultants from Anheuser-Busch. Well… then we found out that the bar was only stocked with Miller products and shine.
We didn’t last long.
Texans @ Colts
(Colts -10, O/U 43.5)
Get a load of these assholes… Check out this 1-4 team laying ten fucking points to this other 1-4 team. What the hell? I watched Carson Wentz and his crew for the first time this year on Monday, and nothing they did that game showed me that they should lay even 6.5 points to anyone. There’s nothing analytical about this: 10 is too many points for a game with this low of a total.
Texans +10. Get the fuck outta here with that number.
Chiefs @ WFT
(Chiefs -7, O/U 54.5)
This game is dumb. The Chiefs will win, but they probably won’t cover because that’s not something that they do. Here’s what we’re going to do with this game:
1. Chiefs TT O31.5 (+115)
They’ve only not scored 30 points against teams with good defenses. And Washington’s defense? Hoo buddy... It’s a bad one. Ranked 28th in DVOA. The chiefs are absolutely going to take a big old pee pee right on Washington. 31.5 is going to happen by halftime.
2. Tease this.
Chiefs -6 to Chiefs -1 and Panthers +2 to Panthers +8.
Easy cover.
Cardinals @ Browns
(Browns -3.5, O/U 49.5)
This is going to be a big game for the Browns. They’re coming off a real dick punch of a game last week, with a score that was definitely an anomaly. They’re playing against a team with a defense that allows an average of 130+ yards rushing. Match that up against the Browns top rushing offense, and they’ll be in a world of hurt. Browns are going to control this game the entire time. Their defense was a little exposed last week and they’re going to be playing fired up to stop an undefeated team.
I’m pretty sure the weather is supposed to be pretty shit on Sunday in Cleveland as well. Big ground game here.
But the main thing:
The Cardinals can’t go 6-0. They just can’t. Like, they’re not that good.
Browns - 3.5. If it goes to down to 3, then swap them for Carolina in the teaser with the Chiefs.