We played hide and go seek in the dark a lot as a kid. Everyone would hide around the house with all the lights off and the seeking guy would have just a glow stick. It was a fun game. One time I was hiding and I decided to hide in the bathroom.
I’m glad that I can get this off my chest now: I used to tell people that I got really scared and when the seeker came into the bathroom I pissed myself. I can now confidently say that I pissed myself while standing in the bathroom purely because I wanted to piss myself. I don’t know why I wanted to piss myself, but it’s the only time I’ve ever been able to consciously piss myself. I’ve tried multiple times since then, but it just doesn’t work.
Why does any of this matter? Because this Thursday game is going to be the NFL equivalent of a child’s pants covered in deliberate piss.
Broncos @ Browns
Browns -1.5, O/U 41
I had to rewrite this. On Wednesday morning I originally wrote it and it was much funnier. Like, you would’ve pissed your own pants laughing because it was so goddamn funny. Now I have to force in a reference to an Early 2000’s website. To be fair, the reference is phenomenal, but the joke will fall flat and I am aware of that.
The original play was Broncos +3.5.
An injured Browns team laying points? Yikes.
Yes, the Broncos are also injured, but their injured people aren’t the same as the Browns injured people. A 50% Teddy Bridgewater is better than a juiced Case Keenum. It’s not going to be pretty, in fact, it’s not even going to be hideous. Think of this game more along the lines of, if The Joker didn’t get everyone evacuated from the hospital before he blew it up. It’s going to be that ugly.
Did I, at one point, say that the Browns weren’t THAT bad? Yes. Was that less than 5 days ago? Also yes. But I have integrity and I am willing to admit: I wasn’t totally correct. That being said, this isn’t a real Browns offense that we’re looking at tonight. If the Browns’ real offense is Homestar Runner, this offense is Homsar Runner.
Take the under. No one is going to do anything in this game.
Under 41. Someone draw me a bath. This game makes me feel filthy.