We’re back, baby.
A lot of people were saying that I wasn’t gonna be back, that I stopped doing this last year because I was making terrible picks week after week, that it took a really long time to write a breakdown for 6 games each week and I don’t have the integrity to write that much, and that my hairline is receding too much for a normal 29-year-old.
Some truths, some lies, and we’ll never know which ones are which.
Now technically, this isn’t too early since the game is today, but I’m writing this at 5:30 in the morning so it’s early to me. So it’s not early, but it’s early. You get it.
The NFL season (kinda) starts today and I’m going to predict every single game exactly how it plays out to a T, more or less.
Today’s game is the Hall of Fame game between the Cowboys and the Steelers… Again, more or less. And that’s what's great about this. It’s gonna be a whole bunch of dudes that no one knows of fighting to compete for their dream job of playing in the NFL. It’s truly amazing. Yeah, Buttfart McPeeHead, a cornerback out of Hamburger University, got drafted by the Cowboys as a consolation pick and it was the happiest day of his life. Well, unbeknownst to him and beknownst to us, he is definitely gonna blow a coverage on Poopface VonBonerMouth, a slot receiver from Larry Flynt State, on a 3rd and 25 and absolutely ruin his chances of experiencing pure joy.
And I cannot wait.
Cowboys are 2 point dogs and the O/U is at 33.
This is easy, you guys. You’re overthinking it. The Cowboys drafted like 90 defensive guys and (without looking it up) I believe a whopping 0 offensive guys. McCarthy’s gonna be evaluating the shit of all these defensive people and that’s where their focus will be.
Mike Tomlin is going to be doing the same thing. As a matter of fact, Mike Tomlin said in a press conference that they’re going to be keeping things incredibly simple because they want to see fundamentals from their new guys.
Don’t overthink it, because if you do, you’ll be all like:
“Wooah... I thought… but…. Wooooooaaah”
And you’ll look like a human version of Crush from Finding Nemo
And that’s not the look you’re going for. That’d be dumb. You’d be dumb.
No one is going to score here, and we’re going to take the under 33. If you want to pick a side, then you’re a fool. It’s pre-preseason. No one knows anything about anything including me.
Don’t overthink it by thinking about it.
-JB