This is the last one of these that I’ll be writing in my 20’s. I’m turning 30 next Wednesday and I’m not happy about it. When you’re in your 20’s people will always give you the benefit of the doubt. “Oh he’s in his 20’s. He’ll figure it out.”
If someone’s in their 30’s it turns into.
“Oh my god Jake, what happened to you. You look like shit. You haven’t had a hard life, it sure seems like you should be doing better than this.”
I’ve gained perspective over these last 30 years. Most of it has been in the last 8, so the first 22 were kind of just wasted time. I used to think it’s not okay to shit in a public bathroom. Now I shit almost exclusively in public bathrooms. I used to think I was a good driver. Now I know that I’m definitely a hazard to anyone on any roadway at any time. I use to think Brussel Sprouts were gross. Then I had Brussel Sprouts for the first time and they were fine, not good, not bad, not okay, just fine. I used to be a fan of the Saint Louis Rams, then I realized that the Greatest Show on Turf was a phase and not a standard and I lost faith in most things.
It’s been a trip, you guys.
Let’s all recollect on how much we’ve grown, how I beat Halo Reach on Legendary, and more importantly let’s all remember that I’m on an absolute fucking heater right now and all of these plays are going to win.
Washington @ Panthers
Panthers -3.5, O/U 43
What a stinker of a game.
I don’t know if you heard, but Cam is back. Good for him getting those touchdowns because it’s not going to happen anymore because he sucks. Washington kind of came into their own when they beat the Buccs last week, and I'm willing to bet that they’ll keep that energy going into this week against an absolute shit Panthers team.
Both of these teams have kept opponents under 20 points for the last 4 weeks and I think that exact same thing is going to happen here.
That’s it. That’s all.
Under 43. If I had to pick a side I’d say Washington +3.5, but they stink too even when they’re peaking.
Dolphins @ Jets
Dolphins -3, O/U 44.5
Sosa/McGuire, Yankees/Red Sox, Jordan/Bird, USA/Russia. History has provided us with these remarkable rivalries, but they all pale in comparison to the reputation… nay… the PRESTIGE of the Dolphins/Jets.
Some people will stream this game illegally, some people will watch this game from their couch, some people will rent out a movie theater to watch this game, some people will buy an entire opera hall to watch this game, and some people will completely forget about this game because it’s garbage and no one cares at all.
I watched a lot of Joe Flacco in the pre-season, and much like Jorah Mormonts death, it was so bad that it made you feel angry about his regression. The rest of that Jets team sucks too, Joe is just catching a stray because he’s the only person on that team that I know, and he joined the team 3 or 4 weeks ago.
The Dolphins are bad in a different way. I’m not sure what that different way is, but you know it when you see it and the way that the Jets are bad is more than 3 points worse than Miami’s bad.
Dolphins -3.
Steelers @ Chargers
Chargers -6, O/U 47
I wouldn’t write about this game if it weren’t the Sunday Night game.
Here are my issues:
- Big Ben is an unknown
- Chargers have been ass
- Tomlin is good as a dog
- Chargers have been good
- Steelers are coming off a tie
- Chargers have been ass
- Najee Harris is good
- Branden Staley seems like a nice fella
If you assign a numerical value to the level of confusion to each of those bullet points you can easily tell ascertain that this is absolutely a coin flip.
Steelers +6 and kill me.