This is actually a great Thanksgiving day slate. Nothing says thanksgiving like watching middling, weak, and spiraling teams just to ignore your family.
You’re thinking, “Ugh. Bears and Lions? I’d rather watch farts and piss in a blender” You’re thinking that because you’re really stupid.
Not me. My brain says, “Bears and Lions? Dope. Now I don’t have to help septuagenarians put up Christmas lights.” My Brain says that because it’s super smart and not dumb and selfish.
You might be thinking there are no lasting consequences to any of these games. Again, you’re a stupid moron. We might get to see Matt Nagy lose his job at noon on a National holiday. How can you not get behind that?
I guess there are two other games that are happening as well, but they’re nowhere near as electric as a Bear Lions game.
Bears @ Lions
Bears -3, O/U 41.5
There are people thinking this will be the game the Lions win. Newsflash idiots: they won’t. The Lions can’t win. It’s not a matter of if or when or how, it’s that they just cannot win. It’s a power above you or me. The Lions cannot win.
You got the bones of Andy Dalton on one side and some dork named Tim that probably drives a Grand Am on the other side. That dork is gonna get his little baby boy dick ripped off on Thanksgiving and it’ll be sad.
That means this is the perfect game to get interested in, and your interest is going to be Bears -3. Fuck it, take an alternate line of Bears -14 because it’s going to be that much of an absolute beat down.
Raiders @ Cowboys
Cowboys -8, O/U 50.5
One time I had to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to work and my legs were sore for 3 weeks. The Cowboys played a professional football game, that they were delightfully humiliated in, on Sunday and then they have to play another one 96 hours after that.
And they’re favored by 8 points.
What the fuck is that?
There’s nothing to really like about the Raiders. They suck butts now, which was predictable after their hot start, but it always seems like they do this same thing. I guess this year is different for the Raiders because most of the time they don’t have to deal with a psychopath of an ex-head coach and a teammate that liked driving really fast and really drunk in residential areas. But other than those two things, this is a pretty cookie-cutter season for them. Start fast and burn out quickly.
That being said, they’re good enough to cover 8 points against an exposed and weak Cowboys team. Hopefully. Fuck Dallas.
Bills @ Saints
Bills -6, O/U 45.5
Does anyone know what the Bills are? I sure don’t. They should be super good and they’ve shown that they can be super good, but they’re kind of shitting themselves in a hilarious fashion lately. They’ve been bullying terrible teams, and then getting shitted on by teams that aren’t terrible. I don’t think the Saints are terrible. They’re certainly not good, but I don’t think they’re terrible.
I don’t know. I feel like if I take Saints and points, the BIlls will win by 30, but if I take BIlls -6, then the Bills will lose in a 17-14 game.
I’m willing to risk it. BIlls -6. They’re looking to get right.
Also, the under is sexy.