Let me start by saying, I write these “intro” parts after I’ve written the rest of the blog.
Okay, now let me tell you this: I fucking CRUSHED this one. Not only were the picks great, but my rhetorical device game was absolutely on fire.
More is less sometimes. Just read this shit.
Chargers @ Bengals
Bengals -3, O/U 50.5
The Chargers are a cult that you’re kind of into, but they got weird shit going on. Branden Staley promised us a land where we could have complete freedom and joy when he said those cool things in that interview about running the ball and we were all really into it. Then he told us that the only way to get into that promised land is by marrying a horse and consummating the marriage on a bed of rusty nails when the Chargers ran the ball and played like shit and lost in pathetic ways and now we’re all like, “Yo, this guy kinda sucks. Let’s get outta here”.
That metaphor was perfect.
The Bengals are like that kid who Naruto ran everywhere and he grossed you out a first, but then you saw that he smoked cigarettes and he was kinda cool, but he still Naruto ran everywhere and that’s still weird.
I can’t hit home runs on every metaphor, you guys.
The point is the Bengals are going to win this game by more than 3 points because they might be shitty sometimes and the Chargers are kind of not shitty almost never.
Bengals -3.
Ravens @ Steelers
Ravens -4.5, O/U 44
This is easy:
The Steelers have an offense being run by a man with a broken body and the Ravens have an offense being run by a gimmicky offense.
Let me explain gimmicky.
Remember your 5th birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese’s, when you got stuck in your first Chinese finger trap and you cried because you couldn’t get out, then your older cousin walks up to you and said, “No look. This unbeatable predicament that you’ve gotten yourself into is incredibly easy to get out of. You just have to push your fingers together, instead of pulling them apart”
In this metaphor, the “finger trap” is Lamar Jackson, your “older cousin” is Brian Flores, and the “push your fingers together” is not playing defense like a total bitch.
This game is going under because the Ravens don’t need a good defense and the Steelers have a good defense.
Under 44.
Broncos @ Chiefs
Chiefs -9.5, O/U 47
I’ll keep this quick:
The Chiefs don’t cover these kinds of spreads.
The Chiefs' defense is getting a little better but it’s still not great and the Broncos will be able to run all over them.
The Chiefs can move the ball, but they’re still nowhere close to how scary they were for the last 2 years.
It’s fun to root against the Chiefs.
Broncos +9.5
B-B-B-B-BONUS PICK:
If Mike Glennon is starting for the Giants, take Miami laying points because Mike Glennon is a loser to his core. #Analysis