My Brother and I got Sock’em Boppers as Christmas presents one year when we were kids. If you never had these, that’s because you had good parents. They were inflatable vinyl boxing gloves. Getting these from your parents means one of two things: They phoned it in, or they were in a financial deficit and need one child to die in order to make it through tough times and wanted to make the death seem like a playful accident.
I was probably eight or nine years old and my brother was either eleven or twelve. He was big for his age too and while he was a dumbass, he was much smarter than me. In his sick twisted-fuck mind, he decided that he would cheat and not inflate his gloves the entire way. That means when he punched, his fist went straight through the gloves. We used them all the time, yada yada yada, it’s 22 years later and my eye still drifts from losing so much.
This weekend has some games that are the equivalent of 8-year-old, 56-pound Jake fighting his 11-year-old, 120-pound brother. I’m not going to focus on those because it’s triggering.
Falcons @ Dolphins
Falcons -2.5, O/U 47.5
Before I start, Teams that don’t get a Bye after they play in London are 2-2 ATS. Just know that.
Okay, but they weren’t the 2021 Dolphins and these Dolphins straight up STINK. I’m only taking this because it’s 2.5 and not 3. I think the Dolphins are going to come into this game absolutely devastated, both physically and emotionally. Perhaps sexually too. Who am I to say?
Also, the Falcons are coming off a bye. Will them having the 2nd worst pass defense matter? Absolutely it will. Duh. How about their shit run defense? Also yes. Of course, it will matter. Does ESPN’s FPI have Miami barely edging the Falcons out? Sure. But the Dolphins are such ass. That’s the thing the stats don’t tell you.
Falcons -2.5.
WFT @ Packers
Packers -7.5, O/U 48.5
I lied, this is a bully game and it’s an easy pick.
Nothing analytical here. Aaron is back on his bullshit. He ruined the Bears last week and the bears are better than Washington. Packers win this game 31-10.
Packers -7.5
Here’s something to sweeten the pot:
PISS BET BABY! If the Packers don’t cover 7.5 points, I’ll drink a cup (8 ounces) of my own piss. I’m 2-0 on my piss bets this year. 5-0 all time.
Bengals @ Ravens
Ravens -6.5, O/U 46.5
I don’t like this pick, but I like this pick. The Ravens are super good right now and the Bengals are pretty good right now. 6.5 points are too many points for that kind of a match-up. The Ravens are getting a lot of credit right now for mushroom stamping the Chargers, which they should get, but it always seems like this time of year the Ravens lose a couple of games they should win and make people think they aren’t as good as they are.
That’s what this play is based on. The Ravens seem like they should lose. I don’t have the stones to throw down on the ML, so I’m gonna play Bengals +6.5. No, actually 7. Buy the half point.
Bengals +7? Sure. That looks nice.
Bengals +7.