My wife and I do the exercise challenge things with our watches where we compete with each other to see who can do the highest percentage of our goals for steps, Calorie-burning, and just standing up out of a chair once an hour. Really high-level stuff. I’ve never really been one of those guys who think their phone is listening to them, but I may have to change my tune.
After one of us finishes a “workout” (that’s just walking the dog for more than 10 minutes) it sends a notification to the other person that the workout is done. Upon receiving this notification you can respond to it with some canned replies. My wife is a relatively positive person so there are replies like, “You’re cool as a cucumber” or just a crown emoji.
I’m a crass person: I don’t watch my language in public and my text messages could and probably should get me tried for war crimes and just a little treason. My watch knows this. I thought it was kind of weird when a canned response to my wife’s 2-mile walk was “That’s not great”. Then I started paying attention to some of the responses that it let me send. “Bang Bang” could reasonably be translated to “I’ll gun you down in the street”. “Go to *fire emoji fire emoji fire emoji” definitely means go to hell. “Eat *poop emoji*” was a little too heavy-handed for my liking.
I’m a little salty about my watch and phone insulting my wife, but I’m even saltier about Sunday Night.
Titans @ Colts
Colts -1, O/U 51
Why are we treating the Colts with any kind of dignity? Like, yeah. Carson is playing fine with his receivers and their running game is working for them. But their wins are all against shitty teams. You beat a bad 9ers team in the rain, GoOd jOb BeAtInG tHe TeXaNs 31-3, and Miami is probably definitely going to have the worst record in the League.
The Titans are in prime dick ripping mode right now, and they’re going to continue to rip dicks this week too. Derrick Henry is so good that most people default to spelling the name “Derrick” with a “rrick” which is wild because that name has a stupid amount of ways to spell it.
Tannehill is on his bullshit too with AJ Brown quite literally shitting on everyone.
Titans ML.
Eagles @ Lions
Eagles -3.5, O/U 48
There is nothing about this Eagles team that is even remotely attractive. Nick Sirianni is an absolute doofus, Jalen Hurts has the accuracy of a Revolutionary War Era musket, and their defense has the integrity of the angry mob at the beginning of Shrek. It’s incredibly pathetic. There are so many things that they can do to change and be better, but they don’t have the stones or the wherewithal to actually do any of it.
The Lions have to be the only 0-7 team in the history of sports that aren’t a laughingstock. Everyone wants them to win games, and they’re doing everything they can to win. Dan Campbell knows their situation and he’s actually coaching to the right level. The man is so much smarter than anyone ever thought he would be.
That being said, they’re also very bad. Especially their defense.
Two bad defenses + low Under = the Over
Over 48. And as an Eagles guy I know I said I would never bet against the Eagles but that was almost 2 months ago; Lions ML.
Cowboys @ Vikings
Cowboys -1.5, O/U 55
When they set this line, did they forget how Kirk Cousins does in Prime Time? Seems like it.
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: Kirk Cousins looks like his sister caught him cranking to tentacle porn in high school then told everyone about it and Kirk never got over it. That’s exactly how he plays in Prime Time. Guy STINKS.
The Cowboys are good I guess. I don’t know what else to say about them. Fuck Dallas.
Dallas -1.5