A couple of weeks ago my mom asked me, “What will you do if you lose a piss bet?”
She asked me this because I’ve never lost a piss bet.
Now, I’m not a parent and I don’t have any plans to be a parent. As a matter of fact, I’ve been an outspoken critic of people who decided to be parents. This stems from a lot of things ranging from these people’s choice to not have free time (why would you not want to be able to play Diablo 2 until 3 am on a Saturday night while watching a Hawaii game?), to them needing an aggressively advertised side hustle, to them thinking they’re better than me.
That being said, I can imagine that having a child who has put themselves in a situation where they have to drink 8 ounces of their own piss could probably be unsettling. I say this because one time I was walking my dog and another dog pissed on him. Then my dog accepted it and sat down in the piss as he was getting pissed on. I lost a lot of respect for my dog that day.
Now, getting pissed on by someone or something else is not the same as drinking your own piss, but it’s relatively close. I’m guessing my mom was hoping I’d say something like, “I’ll buy fake piss and drink that instead” that way she had some hope that she wouldn’t have to lose respect for her baby boi. That’s not what I responded though, and that’s because I have integrity.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll just drink a cup of my own piss.”
Browns @ Bengals
Bengals -2.5, O/U 47
I want it on record that what I said about the Browns be stricken from the record. They do indeed stink. The problem with this game is that the Bengals might stink. I want to lean on the side that says the Bengals don’t stink, but their losses make it seem like there is a distinct possibility that they stink.
The Browns looked good at the beginning of the season, but then everything started to go downhill for them. They got injuries. They got players dicking on each other. They got all-around bad vibes. Their offense scored over 14 points once in the last 5 games, and that was against the Chargers (which was totes an anomaly). It’s a tough going for them recently.
The Bengals haven’t scored under 20 points all season and they’ve played against some pretty mean teams. This game has rebound written all over it for the Bengals and I think they’re going to lay the hammer on the Browns.
I’m going to go with my gut here and say the Bengals don’t totally stink. Bengals will win this game by more than 3.
Bengals -2.5
Patriots @ Panthers
Patriots -3.5, O/U 41
Now the Panthers do stink. They stink like butts baby. They started the season winning against bad teams, and then they played the Powerhouse that is the Philadelphia Eagles, and they have absolutely eaten bags of shit since. Not sure how this game is only 3.5 points, but that is far too few.
The Patriots hit their stride through October and they got a cupcake here to start November. Bill Belichick knows Sam Darnold. He knows how he plays. He knows Sam’s strengths and weaknesses, but most importantly he knows Sam’s beliefs on Supernatural phenomena. He’s going to make Sam Darnold get benched again.
That’s all this game will be. Bill Belichick v. Sam Darnold and that old bag of bones is going to win this game HANDEDLY.
Patriots -3.5. Fuck it. Let’s do the piss bet again (it’s 3-0 this season, 5-0 all-time btw). I’ll drink a cup of my own piss if the Patriots don’t cover 3.5 points.
Titans @ Rams
Rams -7, O/U 53
I think this is going to be a dead spot for the Titans. Their best player is out for the rest of the season probably, they’re coming off three big boi wins, and they’re at the top of their division comfortably. This is the kind of game that the Titans lose.
The Rams are ripping dicks as of late, and you gotta think they’re not going to stop now. Their defense has enough power to shut down the Titans’ passing offense and they’re stout enough to shut down a probably definitely rudimentary running game that the Titans are going to throw out there.
Give me the Rams -7. Seal it in blood.