‘22-’23 Record: 12-14
I’m still dealing with a tooth thing.
I only ever had 3 wisdom teeth, meaning one side of my mouth only has one wisdom tooth. So sometimes the gums on the bottom of my mouth get swollen because the wisdom tooth has nothing to bite down on and only hits gum.
I thought that was the case here. But I’ve been using my tongue to mess with it and turns out there's a shell of a pumpkin seed jammed between the back of a tooth and my gums.
If fucking sucks dude. I liked pumpkin seeds.
Am I going to continue my streak of not going to the dentist for 10 years? Maybe not, but probably yes.
Vikings @ Dolphins (Vikings -3, O/U 45.5)
We’re going to get a Skylar Thompson game.
What does that mean? Beats me, but you gotta guess it’s going to be shitty. We’re looking at a guy who led the Dolphins to a 40-17 loss against the Jets. A guy who can’t score against the Jets isn’t a guy that you want.
I think a lot of people are still thinking of the Vikings as the team that got stomped out in Philly on Monday Night of week 2. The Eagles made the Vikings look way worse than they really are.
Since then, they’ve beaten the Lions by 4, the Saints by 3, and the Bears by 7. Aside from the Bears, those teams are all arguably better teams than a Quarterbackless Dolphins team.
“But Jake, What about Tyreek and Waddle?”
Well, they’re going to have to get a ball thrown at them in order to produce. I’m not saying that that won’t happen, but it won’t happen frequently enough to cover 3 points.
Also, hey. They’ve had 2 quarterbacks taken out of the game by sacks 3 separate times. This Dolphins O-Line sucks butt.
I know that the Dolphins are dangerous, but this is shaping up to be a Kirk Cousins/Justin Jefferson showcase.
Vikings -3
Cardinals @ Seahawks (Cardinals -2.5, O/U 50.5)
I guess there are some weird circumstances going on with the Mariners being in the MLB playoffs that might get this game flexed to be an hour later than its planned start time. Whatever those circumstances are, I hope they come to fruition.
The late slate only has 3 games, but one of those is the Chiefs/Bills game, and that’s the only one anyone should be watching. So if this gets pushed, then we’ll get ⅓ of the game in a stand-alone spot before Sunday Night Football. That’d be great because this game is going to be a Big 12 shootout.
Remember that episode of Family Guy where Peter turns into an amorphous blob because he lost all his bones? That’s the Seahawks’ defense.
They’re soooo bad. They’re allowing 439.4 yards per game (170.2 rushing and 269.2 passing) and 30.8 points per game.
They’re also crushing it on offense, which is mind-boggling because Geno Smith is a trash bag. Turns out he’s a Hefty and not a store-brand trash bag. He’s been putting it together with DK and Lockett, we just have to see how Kenneth Walker does in the NFL without Rashaad Penny. But I think they’ll do just fine against a kinda bad Cardinals defense.
That defense looked pretty good against the Eagles last week, but that was because the Eagles decided to run pretty low-quality screens for an entire quarter.
Kyler and Hollywood Brown are going to be celebrating their DeAndrEve game because Nuke is coming back next week, probably slightly less ripped than before. They’re going to absolutely feast against the aforementioned piles of meat on the Seahawks' defense.
O 50.5
Cowboys @ Eagles (Eagles -6.5, O/U 42)
I don’t pick Eagles games. Fuck Dallas, go birds.
Monday Night:
Broncos @ Chargers (Chargers -4.5, O/U 45.5)
Have you seen these motherfuckers?
Russ is a moron.
Hackett is a fuckwad.
Herbert is a tough guy.
Brandon Staley is a crazy son of a bitch.
No part of the Broncos' defense has shown that they can be competitive against a quarterback who can, and will throw the ball to anywhere on the field from anywhere on the field.
The Broncos' offense should be able to move the ball against a hurt Chargers team, but they won’t because again, everyone there is a fucking idiot. I think this line will get wider by Monday, so I’m taking 4.5 now.
Chargers -4.5